On Doubt and Confidence

Today’s topic sits at the table quite often when we work with people. Doubt tends to come along for the ride, doubt about ourselves, about the process, about whether what we’re doing actually works. And alongside it, there’s confidence: the trust that something makes sense, that change is possible, even when we can’t see it right now.

A scene from my practice

I’m sitting in a counseling session. Across from me, a father, exhausted, emotionally raw. He describes a long history of conflict with his ex-wife, with child services, endless conversations with lawyers. And I notice something go quiet inside me. No impulse, no clever question, just the thought: I genuinely have no idea what would help right now.

That moment used to make me anxious. Today I know it’s simply a moment of doubt, and it isn’t my enemy, because I’m not doubting out of incompetence. I’m doubting because I’m paying attention, because I can feel that this situation doesn’t want a quick answer.

Doubt as a sign of presence

In training groups, I often hear things like “I suddenly didn’t know how to keep asking questions,” usually said with a hint of shame, as if doubt were a sign of inadequacy. More often, it’s a sign of presence. Paul Watzlawick once said the situation was hopeless but not serious. Real connection often begins exactly where we stop running our routines and admit we don’t already know what to do.

What confidence actually is

Confidence isn’t having everything under control. It’s more like: I don’t know exactly what’s going to happen, but I trust that something meaningful will come of it. Steve de Shazer put it roughly this way: change is always possible, as long as you’re not certain it’s impossible.

What this means for our work

It can mean we don’t have to hide moments of not-knowing, we can make them visible instead, even with clients. A sentence like “I notice I don’t have a quick answer right now, maybe we can look together at what to focus on” isn’t a weakness, it’s an invitation, and often exactly the moment real connection happens.

Doubt and confidence aren’t opposites, they’re tension partners. Doubt pushes us to keep asking. Confidence carries us into trust. Doubt is like a wind testing whether the sail holds. Confidence is the courage to set sail anyway, even before the horizon comes into view.