When Nothing Changes

“This can’t go on! Something has to change! I don’t want it this way anymore!” I hear statements like this very often, both from clients and from executives. Underneath is the wish for some kind of change to happen. And yet, again and again, the desired change simply doesn’t arrive, even when the need feels strong and real, even when people know exactly what it would take.

This phenomenon of non-change gets particular attention in systemic thinking, especially in therapy and counseling. A worthwhile piece on it comes from Ulrich Wilken. It’s worth noting upfront: these are observations, neither true nor false.

What can stand in a client’s way

Beliefs like “I don’t deserve to be happy” can act as self-fulfilling prophecies. Change would mean the belief isn’t true, so people keep living in line with it instead.

Loyalty to one’s family of origin can also play a role. Many families carry taboos that can’t be brought into the open. Maybe pleasure was never allowed to be shown openly, for reasons rooted in some old idea of sinfulness, and that can keep someone from allowing themselves a joyful life.

Sometimes safety simply beats an uncertain future. Choosing to change is a bit like buying a pig in a poke, things might get better, but they might get worse too. That tension between wanting change and fearing it often leads to standstill, to choosing to stay in the safety of unhappiness.

Painful past experiences with change, a breakup or a loss, can tie change to fear more generally.

I often see, especially with couples, the expectation that the other person has to change first. Both sides lean back and wait. Bound up with that is often the illusion of being able to change someone else, which can keep people stuck in unhappy relationships for years.

And in teams and organizations?

The same patterns transfer easily. Teams carry loyalty to old structures too, in family businesses, for instance, where change can be hard even after a generational shift, because loyalty to the past runs deep. Beliefs like “we’ve always done it this way” can be so embedded in a company’s culture that they block change, along with fear of the unknown and the expectation that someone else has to move first.

What can we do?

It helps to acknowledge the non-change first, rather than pushing for more of the same. Instead, we can get curious about it: how did the idea take hold that change is threatening? The meaning of past experiences can shift, so that a new team member, for example, eventually gets seen as an asset rather than a threat.