Understanding Values<\/h1>\n
What are values, exactly, and why is it worth exploring them?<\/p>\n
Senge, Kleiner, and others describe values as deeply rooted views about what we consider worthwhile, shaped by parents, religion, school, friends, and the culture we grow up in. In NLP, values are what matters to a person, what gives them meaning and motivates them. From a systemic perspective, values are constructs whose validity within a given context is silently assumed. So satisfaction can mean something entirely different in a company than it does in a family.<\/p>\n
When two people mean the same value, but something different<\/h2>\n
That silent assumption is exactly what makes things tricky in everyday life. An example from my practice: a couple’s issue was appreciation. Both were convinced they lived that value, and that the other neglected it. When I asked what appreciation actually meant to each of them, we found the sticking point: for her, it meant dinner on the table in the evening and a warm welcome when he came home from work. For him, it meant going straight to the kids’ room after work to relieve her, since she’d handled childcare all day. Both wanted the same thing, appreciation in the relationship, but with different ideas of how it should show up. Once that was clear, we could work out what a shared version of appreciation might look like.<\/p>\n
We often assume, without thinking about it, that values have universally shared meanings. But what do they actually mean to you? To find out, it’s worth asking: how would you notice that you, or someone else, is living a particular value?<\/p>\n
Where our values come from<\/h2>\n
We’re handed a basic set of values from our parents’ home, and it changes over the course of a lifetime. If I’m allowed to climb trees as a child and feel how good it is to look down from up there, something like confidence and trust can develop, which later shows up as a willingness to try new things. If instead I have very cautious parents who keep pointing out the dangers of climbing, I might learn caution instead. Values play a role in our behavior all the time, often below the surface, giving us orientation and sometimes making us uncomfortable when they’re violated.<\/p>\n
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<\/span><\/div>An exercise to find your own values<\/h2>\n
Think of a context you’d like to identify your important values for, work or a relationship, say. Ask yourself: What matters to you here? When do you feel proud? What stresses you out or leaves you feeling uncomfortable? Note down whatever situations come to mind and think about which value might be behind them. If it fills you with pride to have handled a task entirely on your own, autonomy might be an important value for you.<\/p>\n
Once you have a list of, say, 10 to 15 values, you can prioritize them: compare each value pairwise against every other one and give the more important one a point. In the end, the value with the most points comes out on top.<\/p>\n
Take your top three values and think about where you’re already living them. Which one would you like to give more room to, and what might a first step look like? Values, from a systemic view, are constructions, and that means they’re changeable. If you could wish for a new value to accompany you going forward, which would it be?<\/p>\n
I’m curious what you discover. Feel free to share it with me by email at hallo@neda-mohagheghi.de or on social media.<\/i><\/p>\n<\/div>